From time to time, it is a helpful exercise to do a review of life recalling the people and the events that have touched our lives. In those days on the tractor after school, I could have scarcely imagined the incredible people and experiences that would contribute to my own journey of faith. Truly, each of us has a story that is still being written as we recognize the times in our lives that have formed us in some way. Yes, life isn’t the same because the course of our lives has contributed to making us into who we are today.
Next Spring will mark 50 years since I graduated from high school. I no longer drive up and down main street with my friends. Pep band was a lot of fun, but I haven’t picked up my saxophone in decades. Taking our dirt bike the back way through pastures as far as the edge of town on long summer evenings in order to play pinball at Vern’s Bar was great fun as an adolescent, when life held so much free time. Daydreaming about what I might do with my life to make the world a better place brought various ideas to mind but never included the idea of the priesthood. Yet all of that contributed to my formative years.
It would be easy to look back on all that we have experienced – before high school graduation and ever since – with disdain for some of what has taken place. There is no such thing as a perfect childhood. As hard as we may try to manage life on our own terms, there are people and events that have stretched us or wounded us or inflicted harm upon us in some way. All of that needs to be accepted as part of our story without concluding that it is our entire story. At the same time, there are people and experiences that have enriched us. All that we have experienced has influenced who we are today.
The important thing is to acknowledge the events and people in our lives that have influenced us, inspired us, and taught us, along with what has harmed us or affected us negatively. All of it, when brought before the Lord and related to him in a prayerful way, can be transformative – from deep wounds to fountains of new vitality. Looking back on our lives can be nostalgic, but it may also bring to mind painful memories and feelings of resentment. When that happens, grace comes when we talk to Jesus about it. We need to invite him to return with us to those memories so that he can transform our minds and hearts beyond the anger and pain and resentment. Afterall, Jesus said, “I have come that they might have life and have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10)
In other words, we need to live an integrated life. The word “integrate” comes from the Latin integratus, meaning “bringing into the whole.” To integrate something is to acknowledge it and make it a part of the whole of who we are. In the spiritual life, this begins to happen when we “bring it to the Lord.” To acknowledge what we are thinking and feeling and express this to Jesus is to begin the process of integration. Otherwise, we either pretend that we’re past it or we’re feeling stuck in life and don’t know why. Rather, taking this up with the Lord and asking him for healing and strength is, in time, the path to healing and wholeness.
Most people have various things from their past that they regret. This is a normal part of growing up. And while some of these things can be serious sins, we must also believe in and rely upon God’s mercy in the sacrament of reconciliation. Some may judge themselves to be the worst of sinners, thinking they are so much worse than the rest of us. Some carry so much shame that they confess a single event over and over again throughout their lives. This is a sign that something is not integrated into the whole of who they are. Once again, healing begins when we acknowledge and relate this to Jesus in prayer.
Memories haunt us unless they are integrated. Then they are understood not in isolation but in the light of God’s love and mercy. Look at St. Paul who, for the love of his Jewish heritage, persecuted Christians and presided over the death of St. Stephen. Yet God had mercy on him when “Saul” encountered Jesus on the road to Damascus. After that encounter, Paul could boldly proclaim his faith in Christ because of his encounter with Jesus. This is Paul’s unique story, and it helped him grow in Christian maturity. It made him strong in faith and gave his life a new vitality. But it was his encounter with Jesus that transformed him.
Looking back on life, as we often do, we are tempted to let the past define us. However, it is our baptism that defines us – beloved sons and daughters of God. Instead, we should take some time to prayerfully acknowledge various things that have been a part of our lives. And where there is “unfinished business” that hinders us in any way, it is that very place where Jesus wants to love us, heal us, and accompany us going forward. Let us ask the Holy Spirit to move our hearts and minds to desire Christian maturity, so that where memories of wounds and sin bind us, we may be set free in Christ!
