If you are, were or are soon to be married, what expectations did you bring to marriage? Life affects us! It affects our bodies as we age. It affects our minds and hearts as the many experiences of our lives form and shape us. Life experiences affect our relationships as we go through things together, or perhaps alone. Life is never static. We may have expectations of others, but they may never be realized. We may ‘want this moment to last forever’ but there is nothing that lasts forever this side of heaven. We grow older and perhaps wiser, more virtuous, or we get stuck in some phase of immaturity. Through it all we learn how to ‘live happily ever after’ or grow bitter and angry because what we expected in life didn’t turn out that way.
There is a famous quotation, attributed to Dr Albert Einstein – though that is disputed, which says this: “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” While this may often be the case, the point is that everyone in marriage has expectations about their marriage relationship, whether they are fully aware of them or not. I would often discover this when sitting down with couples who were having difficulties in their relationship some years after their wedding. Some think that if they just love each other, they’ll never have any disagreements. Well, no two people will see everything in the same way. Disagreements aren’t the end of a relationship but stretch us to a greater maturity and capacity to love.
Most engaged couples, if they are at all realistic about their relationship, know some of the points of contention in their relationship with each other, even before the wedding day. In their struggles, couples have told me that they married “hoping to work things out’” or “thinking the other person would change.” What often changes is one’s own willingness to put up with the frustration of it all and to love the person they married, rather than the person they wanted their spouse to be or become. Love has to take place in real time, in the present moment, with the person as they are, not as they used to be or perhaps may be at some point in the future.
Beyond the personal issues in marriage there are also the lifestyle expectations a couple may experience. Frankly, couples who marry but continue to live “separate lives” in terms of their recreation and social time away from each other are headed for trouble. The lifestyle of a married person must always be carried out with reference to their spouse. It is a matter of honor and respect to both consider and consult the other person about nearly everything, putting their spouse first and conferring with them, and then valuing their perspective as helpful and necessary for the good of the marriage. In other words, getting married means I am committing to a change in my lifestyle, from this day forward.
Throughout our lives, there are often surprises we never anticipate. This is also the case in marriage. In one of my parish assignments, a healthy man died of a brain tumor at the age of 48. He had two surgeries and then his situation became terminal. His wife lovingly cared for him in their home and during the last few months of his life she had to change his diaper. Certainly, no one “expects” that to happen on their wedding day. She was such an inspiration to us all. Another heartbreaking situation is that of infertility. When couples marry expecting to bear children but because of natural circumstances are unable to do so, they must struggle with themselves, their spouse and with God, too, in order to adjust their expectations. This is especially challenging in a world that looks at fertility as a curse and abortion as a back-up measure to failed contraception.
For all that challenges couples in marriage, there are also many beautiful graces that unite a couple in their unbreakable bond. The capacity to love and receive the love of the other grows with every personal decision to “love and honor each other all the days of their life.” Theologically, love is a virtue. Virtues are immanent activities – that is, they perfect themselves by being exercised. The more we love, the greater becomes our capacity to be loving. Over the years, couples in strong marriages testify how fulfilling their marriage has been, often surpassing their earlier expectations of married life. Some expectations are never met, but others are surpassed in beautiful and surprising ways.
This is something most young people don’t know about or consider when they frown upon the idea of marriage. Young people need married couples to share with them how marriage is an incredible gift and not a drain on their freedom. They need to understand that children are a blessing, not a drain on their personal resources that limits their lifestyle. They need married people to bear witness to them that this is how God has ordered creation – and that until recently, every generation of humanity, in every culture, has found marriage to be the transformation of their lives in a most meaningful way.
Most married people will tell those who are engaged to expect marriage to have its challenges. But many also say it has great blessings, as well. Most good things in life come through struggle rather than entitlement. In the sacrament of marriage, the bride and groom exchange their vows before the Lord, who gives them the grace of his blessing, so that it is HE who enables them to fulfill their vows in a life-long union of love and devotion. Thus, the greatest expectation among those who are married should be that if they keep GOD at the center of their marriage, he will amaze them by his grace and favor.
