The lifestyle of married people often revolves around what they enjoy doing and with whom they most regularly do those things. Teachers often socialize with teachers, and those in medicine with others they met in medical school or in their medical practice. There are many activities that couples enjoy doing together, such as being in a dinner club with other couples, or golf outings, or their children’s school activities and more. Yet there are things that guys do together – like hunting, or that ladies do together – like shopping, that fulfill their lives apart from each other.
At the same time, I encourage couples to be cautious about their lives taking divergent paths from each other because of having many separate friends or separate interests, or by spending significant time apart in some one activity that begins to dominate their life. There’s an old saying that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” That was usually said in reference to couples in their dating or engagement. I contend that after marriage, however, absence from each other can easily “make the heart go wander!”
No two people are alike, and it is normal and healthy for husbands and wives to have separate interests, hobbies and activities. This brings new experiences into their marriage relationship, and in this way, they can enrich their lives together. My caution, however, is that through regular activities apart from each other, the natural attraction of personalities and physical appearance can be captivating. The heart and mind can soon become “captive” to who or what is “captivating.” When these attractions become mutual, it is very difficult to retreat from the “interest” that has subtly developed apart from one’s spouse.
Not many spouses have the opportunity to work at the same place of employment, which means that a significant part of each day is spent apart from each other. Thus, it is important to have mutual friends and interests for healthy social time together and recreational activities to share. Over time, these friendships can help build up one another in marriage as both the joys and challenges of marriage and family life can be shared, honored and encouraged. On the other hand, the more isolated husbands and wives become from other couples or each other, the more likely the loneliness they experience will seek the company of someone apart from their spouse.
Of all the many activities in which one might take a personal interest, whether as a couple or as an individual, it is important to always be aware of what motivation is operating in the heart drawing a person to spend time and interest in this activity or with these people or with this person. Knowing yourself and being honest with yourself is the key! Obviously, the reason we socialize with certain people or engage in certain activities is the pleasure and enjoyment we receive. At the same time, if there is something disordered in the heart drawing a person to cross boundaries or enabling them to avoid their spouse, then this can easily be a detriment to their marriage relationship, and it needs to be checked.
Throughout my years of priesthood, I have been and still am invited to be a part of various groups of couples who have good marriages and enjoy socializing with other couples in good marriages. Again, this builds them up and encourages them to keep working on their marriage relationship. I have learned a great deal from these couples and how they have navigated the challenges of marriage. Not all marriages are the same, but all of them will say that marriage takes work and the investment of their lives in each other. It is this ongoing investment in the life of one’s spouse that says, “I’m more interested in you than anyone else” and keeps a marriage strong and growing instead of becoming weak or waning.
Over time, as marriages mature and grow deeper, couples let go of some of their separate activities and do more and more together. Their love desires the companionship of the one they love and other things, though enjoyable, seem less interesting than earlier years. This is not to suggest that couples who, after many years of marriage, still have separate interests and activities have a shallow relationship or a weak marriage. Rather, it is to underscore the beauty of how the two become one over the years by their mutual investment in each other. The original desire to marry the one they love over time becomes a companionship that not even poetry can describe.
The mutual expectation of marriage to receive the love and honor of my spouse all the days of my life, should be met with the mutual commitment to invest oneself in the other through a life that is not separate but united in common interests and activities. If too much separation has taken place in your marriage relationship, the best way back to a strong and healthy marriage might be simply to spend more time together, sharing where you’re at in life – your thoughts, feelings and desires – and discovering more about the other person as well. My encouragement would be to rediscover each other and renew the adventure of your life together.
