Mentors in communication skills will often say that good communication is at least as much about the art of listening as it is about speaking. So often in marriage relationships, one spouse thinks they “already know” what the other person is going to say before they speak. Listening, then, is a matter of patience born of respect, rather than writing off one’s spouse because “I’ve heard this a hundred times before.” Perhaps the reason this is the 101st time one is hearing it is because they failed to listen to their spouse in a way that leaves them feeling that they have been heard. Respectfully listening to each other is so important.
There is also the temptation to “read into” what a person is saying, which is actually judging them but not appreciating what they are trying to say. Once, nearly 30 years ago, I was at the home of some friends who were recently empty nesters. She and I were inside the house visiting, while he was out briefly in the back yard. When he came in, he said, “Gosh, it feels hot in here.” Immediately, she got upset and said, “Why are you blaming me for that?” He said he wasn’t blaming her for it, but that he was just noticing the difference compared to the outside temperature. So, when he went in the other room, I said to her, “If I was in the basement and came up here to the main level and said the same thing, “Gosh, it feels hot in here,” what would you think? She said, “I’d think you were a bit uncomfortable and that we should turn on the air or open a window.” Then I said, “Well, that’s all that he said when he came inside but it seems like you read more into it.” Then she said, “You don’t know him; that’s just how he likes to stir up trouble and start an argument with me.”
A lot also happens in communication in terms of the tone or inflection we use. Sometimes our tone suggests indifference and at other times excitement and energy. The tone with which we say things can indicate blame or it can simply be the acknowledgement of what the other person has said. With tone we communicate annoyance about some things and enthusiasm about others. Also, common is the use of emphasis to underscore some idea or drive home some point. A lot depends on the tone, inflection and emphasis a spouse puts on the words, “Honey, could you help me move this couch?”
Timing is an important aspect of communication, as well. We all have times that are better or worse during the day to talk about important matters. Some people are morning people from the moment they open their eyes, but many are not. Others are “night owls” in that they just get going around 10:00PM. Many people have a great deal of stress at their jobs and so right after work is not a good time to talk through something. While I was a seminarian in Rome, after I was ordained a deacon in 1983, I spent two months on a US Army base in West Germany, assisting the priest-chaplain there. I got to know a couple named Bud and Linda who had 3 small children under the age of eight. Bud was a captain and dealt with problems in his unit all day long. When he came home from work, to unwind he would sit on the back patio for 30 minutes with a beer in his hand, watching the lawn sprinkler oscillate. After about 20 minutes, Linda would let one of the children out to sit on his lap. Then, five minutes later a second one, and then the last one a few minutes after that. They had a system, and it worked! Their time to talk would come later.
Words matter in communication. Sometimes the word we choose has just enough of a nuance that the other person interprets it differently than we intended. When discussing some issue, one person might raise the volume of their voice, adjust their posture in an assertive manner and begin to make gestures with their hands and arms and scowl or express their emotions in their facial expressions. Noticing this, the other person might say, “Why are you so angry?” To this the agitated person might say, “Angry? I’m not angry. I’m just upset, but I’m not angry.” This might seem silly, yet none of us likes to be interpreted in a way that we do not intend. At the same time, most of us might not realize how we come off to others in conversation. The choice of words should be clarified if the one who hears them is unsure what was intended.
If good communication is an issue in your marriage or in other relationships, you owe it to yourselves to have a third party help you look at what’s going on. No two people ever think alike and every single one of us could probably use some assistance in learning better communication skills. Often in marriage, one person would like to move in that direction, but the other person does not. This is unfortunate. If someone was so important to you that you made a permanent commitment “to love and honor them all the days of your life,” then working on communication skills would affirm that love and be of mutual benefit. Excuses are born of fear which destroys hope for new vitality in the relationship. Over the years I’ve had people ask me why I told their spouse to get a divorce. I always say, “I didn’t tell them to divorce you. I told them to ask you for a great marriage but apparently you don’t want one.”
Much more could be said about communication in marriage, particularly regarding gender differences in communication. While some priests may have natural pastoral counseling skills, few of us in ordained ministry are trained counselors or specialists in the art of communication. However, your parish priest might be able to help you initially and guide you to find other professionals to assist you. My encouragement is to seek an outside party to help you and BELIEVE that things could be better than the negative patterns you may have fallen into over the years. And lastly, pray for your spouse, that the two of you can grow more than either of you thought possible if you bring Jesus into the equation, and rely ever more upon him!
