It’s no surprise that whether one is single or married, life is full of challenges to be faced and decisions to be made. However, in marriage these challenges require a partnership, mutual consultation and discernment. The question isn’t, “What am I going to do?” Rather, it should be, “What are we going to do?” In marriage practically every decision one makes has some effect or influence on one’s spouse. Consequently, most problems should be resolved, and decisions should be made together.
To begin with, not all decisions are problems, though if perhaps decisions are not made in a timely manner, the issue could soon become a problem. Some people live a more reactive lifestyle thinking, “I’ll deal with it when I have to.” Others take a more proactive approach to life thinking, “I’ll deal with it now, so that it doesn’t become a problem later.” When one spouse is generally more reactive and the other hopes to be more proactive, there will be challenges unless the difference in their approach itself can be addressed. They might see the other person’s way of dealing with things as the problem, but in either case, it’s very difficult to reset what is frankly a person’s default way of approaching things.
Human life skills vary in all of us. In marriage, one person might be better at organizing finances and another at perceiving a wise course of action to take when it comes to parenting. Another person might have a garage or shop or spice rack in the kitchen that is more organized than an auto parts store while their spouse is keenly perceptive of a change in moods and how that affects their relationship. Thus, it might be helpful in marriage to let one another take the lead on things they’re good at, precisely because it is one of their strengths. Choose to honor each other in their unique gifts and defer to each other out of reverence for what they have that you may not.
Not all decisions carry the same weight. Some people may find it difficult to decide what they want for dinner. That is a matter of taste and preference, but it should not require marriage counseling. Other decisions are more serious – to have another child, to move to a different house, to change jobs, to relocate to another part of the country, to help their grown children with some financial need, to confront a family member on some repeated unacceptable form of behavior. Most married couples have to make a number of serious decisions together throughout their marriage, and each of those decisions have their own factors to consider. The same way of solving problems should not be employed for every type of decision.
One might toss a coin – heads or tails – to determine if they go to a local 4th of July fireworks display or just stay home. Yet flipping a coin to decide something more serious would be reckless and imprudent. Most people who discern serious matters make a list of the pros and cons to what they are considering. After discussing their list with each other, they may also ask trusted friends what their thoughts might be. Some actions have short windows of time before the decision must be made, while others allow for some extended time for consideration. In any case, serious decisions made hastily may reap unforeseen consequences going forward.
Of all the ways people might choose to solve problems or make decisions, I believe the most overlooked approach is that of prayer. Couples often try everything else first and then think about asking the Lord to shed light on the issue at hand. As people of faith, seeking the light of the Holy Spirit to guide us should be our first action rather than our last recourse. Only in this way can the Lord grow our ability to hear his voice and notice a pattern in how the Holy Spirit operates in our thoughts, feelings and desires. If Jesus said, “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them” (Matthew 18:20), married people ought to pray about their decisions – both together or separately – and ask the Lord to guide them to what is best for their lives, their marriage and their families.
Couples praying together might be a topic for some future reflection, but two things are most important for problem solving and decision making: first, that each person believes that the Holy Spirit will guide them both to make a good decision, and secondly, that both will respect the action of the Holy Spirit in the other. Also important is the need to circle back with one another about each other’s prayer to see if the Holy Spirits is confirming a similar approach in your spouse that you yourself are noticing. The key is to pray with a trusting heart, listen with an open mind and respond with a generous will to what the Lord reveals. Doing this habitually with important decisions also teaches us how to recognize what is of the Holy Spirit and what is from our own insecurities, fears or selfish desires.
Much more about problem solving and decision making in marriage could be examined here, but my hope is that all of us, whether married or not, will entrust to the Lord in prayer the many decisions that currently lie before us. Jesus told us to “ask, seek and knock.” Turning to him in prayer is an act of faith, that if we pray, he will “take care of everything.” Let’s take him up on it!
