It is a most profound and life-changing moment when a husband and wife in the delivery room welcome their first child into their lives. The great pride and joy of a wife to present to her husband this new life and see her husband at a loss for words, with tears streaming down his face, connects them more intimately with each other and with “the Lord and giver of life.” Together they will give this new life a name that will forever distinguish him/her in the world. If marriage requires sacrifice and service, their new role as parents will grow those virtues exponentially.
Beyond the initial stage of parenting infants – what I call the adjustment stage that a marriage experiences – husbands and wives begin to notice how a child’s behavioral development affects their relationship. A crying baby might be swept up immediately into the loving and caring arms of a mother while a new father might say, “let them cry it out; nothing is hurting them.” While the Church sets the age of reason for children to be around the age of 7-8 years, many two-year-olds seem to “know” how to push all the right buttons that drive parents crazy. Terrible two-year-olds might cause parents great exasperation at times, but they also bring out various parenting styles in a marriage.
The challenge of parents being “on the same page” with regard to the discipline of their children also greatly affects the marriage relationship. One spouse might think the other is too soft in their approach to discipline while the other spouse might be viewed as reacting too harshly. One parent might be more permissive with their children while the other might tend to be more limited in granting privileges. And each parent naturally connects to some greater degree with one person in the family more than with others. Much of it might simply be personality. Thus, I’ve often suggested that if a parent naturally connects more with one of their children, or DOES NOT connect with one of them, that they follow the lead of their spouse in dealing with the situation.
It is also important to acknowledge when husbands and wives need outside help to address some concern that has come up with their children. Sometimes their children need some professional therapy that is beyond the natural gifts of parenting. Sometimes parents themselves need some guidance on the patterns that have developed in their relationship in trying to deal with their children. Sometimes a few sessions (4-8) of professional counseling can be of great assistance in finding a solution that neither of the two of them seem to be able to arrive at by themselves. Good therapists will not give you an answer but help you to discover an option that makes sense for you and help you look at the dynamics in your relationship that have developed, as well.
Children soon notice if one of their siblings has become “the golden child,” whether in the family or in the community because of their strikingly handsome or beautiful appearance, or their exceptional gifts in sports, academics, fine arts, etc. These unintended challenges require deep honesty and a commitment to navigate this together as parents. Children bring honor and great pride and satisfaction to their parents. At the same time, the ego boost from the accomplishments of one child might lead to a lack of attention or investment of time with others. It’s all very human. Thus, it is important to step back from the pace of life and gain a fresh look at the dynamics each of you is experiencing with each of your children.
There is much that can tear at the fabric of family life, often experienced in the challenges of parenting. Yet there is so much beauty that can also be a part of family life that parents experience. I have been blessed to share in both the joys and sorrows of many families over the years. Most husbands and wives who are my age are not only parents but now also grandparents who are watching their children experience the dynamics of parenting and enjoying their grandchildren in new ways that they may have missed with their own children. The family bond continues to enrich marriages 30-40-50+ years later, even as husbands and wives question and doubt if “they’ve done it right.”
There is no one right way to fulfill the responsibilities of parenthood. Each child is different, and because life teaches us something new every day, parents are always learning more about themselves, their own strengths and their weaknesses, and about each other along the way. Children enrich marriages, families, communities and the world. They are a great blessing. And for husbands and wives, children are an important part of their own growth in virtue and holiness. A diamond shines when it is polished. Marriage relationships glow when the hard work of parenting bears fruit in the lives of their children and grandchildren. In turn, this enriches their marriage with wonder and amazement and gratitude. Parenting requires a great deal of perseverance, so hang in there, because it’s worth it!
