In reality, people aren’t looking for specific guidance about the sexual act. Rather, I have found that they are looking for help in dealing with the fact that they do not have the same appreciation for sexual intimacy in their marriage. While there are gender differences in the importance or priority that men and women give to the marital act, I have found that almost no one has grown up with wholesome family formation in this area of sexuality. Think about it for a minute. What was the primary source of your own knowledge about human sexual development?
Having been involved in marriage preparation for 30 years I found that the vast majority of people currently under 55 would say the primary source for their sexual development was their sex education class in about 5th grade. Furthermore, when I suggested to couples that down the road should they sit down with their children when it is age appropriate to speak with them about this, many outwardly protest even the idea of talking to their children about their sexual development. Now add to this the fact that we live in a hyper-sexualized culture where young people, even before puberty, are exposed to pornography and other explicit sexual themes in fashion, music, art and advertising without any formation in the reverence for human sexuality that comes from sacred scripture and the moral teaching of the Church. What a disservice this is to the basic human development of their children!
When the Lord made us male and female, he made women to be fertile in a monthly cycle and men to be fertile at all times. Basic biology has set up this important difference between men and women that must be mutually understood, appreciated and respected. For that to happen, good patterns of communication need to be developed in any dating relationship. This is all the more so when men and women enter into marriage. If a couple is sexually active before they are married, this will likely impede the development of their ability to communicate with each other about all kinds of things in their relationship, including their sexual expectations, desires, fears and difficulties. In many ways, having sexual intercourse before marriage puts a halt to relationship development, and women in particular, notice this more acutely.
Is it any wonder that men and women publicly express the frustrations they experience about sex in their marriage? Yes, there are differences, and yes these can be frustrating, but to speak publicly about this in a critical manner betrays a very personal and intimate aspect of their marriage relationship. This is truly sad, and it ought not to be. Rather, greater reverence for the dignity and gift of each other in marriage should lead to greater openness and honesty with each other about needs, expectations, desires, fears and challenges in their sexual relationship. In all likelihood, couples cannot communicate about their sexuality because they cannot communicate about other divergent opinions and difficulties they experience in their relationship as well.
One of the greatest means to grow in reverence and respect for the gift of sexuality in marriage is to learn some method of natural family planning. Okay, if that just set off something alarming in you, hear me out. Keep reading. The information gained in learning about natural family planning is helpful, but the main result in learning it together is often a new respect for male and female fertility and the ability to communicate about this in a healthy way. This often leads couples to discover new and fulfilling ways to share their lives which in turn can make more romantic the marital act when they choose to be intimate in that way. Throughout my priesthood, I have often noticed a certain difference in couples who seem to hold each other in greater respect than others. Quite often I discover that they learned a method of natural family planning that changed how they view and treat each other. This reverence changed the way they are sexually intimate with each other.
Perhaps the biggest challenge facing this generation going forward is to regain a proper perspective of human sexuality as a gift from God and to submit oneself to honoring God in their bodies according to natural law and the moral guidance of God’s holy word. When we undergo proper formation in human sexuality so many other things tend to fall into place. The right ordering of our sexual lives – not according to the dictates of lust and this hedonistic culture – but according to God’s design written into our bodies and the supreme gift of reason, is the gift that Pope St. John Paul II envisioned in his writings known as the Theology of the Body.
Not a few people think the Church has too many “hang ups” about sex. In fact, the Church emphasizes the goodness and beauty of human sexuality. Sexual intimacy is important in marriage and the Church believes it is a profound way for a man and woman to be united in mind, body and spirit. This requires profound respect for each other in marriage. The marital act, when experienced with tenderness and respect, brings about mutual appreciation as spouses and a profound sense of gift both offered and received.
As June is always a busy time of the year for weddings, let us pray for all those who have recently been married and those who will enter into marriage in the coming weeks. May they pursue holiness of life in their sexual intimacy and may they be open to the gift of God’s love for them through the total gift of each other.
