My family lived very simply growing up. We raised most of our own food. We never took vacations and besides, we had no one to do the daily chores for us on the farm. Eating out was only on special occasions, few and far between. As noted in my opening story, I learned to ask myself two basic questions before I made a purchase: First, how much does it cost? And then, Do I really need it based on what it costs?
In my adulthood, I now enjoy tithing to the church and to other charitable entities because of their mission and purpose. The 10% minimum tithe can also be a good discipline to curb the rampant appetite of consumerism the culture would have us believe is essential to life on this planet.
In doing marriage preparation, when it came to the discussion on finances, I would ask couples if they could describe their own personal philosophy on the use of their money. Most had no idea what I was talking about. Then I would begin by saying that most people do 4 basic things with their money: they pay bills, they save and invest, they shop and spend on things they want, and they give to the poor or tithe to charities and churches. Then I would ask them to rank these 4 things in terms of what comes first down to what comes last for them personally.
While I found that most people said they paid their bills first, after that some were spenders while others were savers. The practice of tithing to charities or a church or generosity to the poor was almost always the last thing in their ranking of current use of their money. I remember the comment of one groom in particular, a non-Catholic gentlemen, that truly inspired me. He said, “Well, I guess I only do 2 things with money. I pay bills and I shop and spend it on whatever I want.” So, then I said, “what about saving and investing?” To that, he said, “savings is one of my bills. I put 10% of what I earn into savings each month.” Then I asked him about charity and church support. Again, he said, “tithing to church is one of my bills.” I was very encouraged by his answer and shared it with other engaged couples from then on.
I also found that already 30 years ago, many couples did not subscribe to the philosophy of what’s mine is yours and yours is mine. Rather, they maintained separate accounts thinking that they didn’t have to explain to each other why they did what they did with “their own” money. Yet their attempt to maintain financial independence in marriage often leads to critical thoughts and judgments about each other and various other difficulties because of it. Some couples believe that keeping separate accounts and having agreements about what they will purchase with his account and what will come out of her account is the best way to handle their finances. I wish there was some way I could find out after all these years how well that worked for them.
Perhaps I am old school on this, but if the two become one in marriage, then having separate anything could potentially put a wedge between them. When financial philosophies differ, silly things can be a source of division. You’re sitting on my couch. You’re watching my big screen tv. You owe me this much for our new deck furniture. It’s your turn to pay for dinner out, etc. It’s a kind of “score keeping” financially, that can soon become the perspective on so many other areas of married life. Though the two have become one on their wedding day, the financial exceptions can spark other threats to marital unity.
Communicating about finances in marriage is often difficult if from the beginning, couples enter into unhealthy patterns when trying to deal with their finances. In fact, so many couples do not set up wills or do estate planning because their different approaches to finances have been a source of tension throughout their marriage. They would rather forgo making any determination about their financial resources hoping for some magical moment in the future when they could deal with it. All of this difficulty and frustration could be avoided or lessened to some degree if two people in marriage would seek out some third party to help them navigate their differences. Thankfully, there are more people than ever in the business of financial planning and wealth management. Yet what might be more helpful are professionals who help couples in relationship building rather than financial planning.
On a positive note, I am always encouraged to see how some couples become truly one in their philosophy on finances. Their ability to communicate about spending, saving, giving away and more has put them in true harmony using their financial resources in mutually agreed upon ways. Over time, the harmony of their financial management enables them to be on the same page with regard to the use of their money. They are able to take care of their responsibilities, set investment goals, support charities that are important to them and enjoy what God in turn offers them in his loving providence.
No two people are alike in how they view things, and in marriage husbands and wives often approach the use of their finances in very different ways. Like so many things, keeping the lines of communication open is so important for couples to manage their finances. Over time, with patience and prayer, new understanding can be reached, and great strides can be made that honor God and serve others with our financial resources, and not just ourselves.
