Families do things differently. That’s not a surprise, nor is it a problem. The challenge comes when two people in marriage aren’t willing to find a compromise or agree upon a new way of doing things. This assumes they have developed good communication skills with each other, but even if they haven’t, the first step is to LISTEN to each other and the second step is to be HONEST about what you are thinking and feeling when you respond. Usually, just listening patiently to each other and responding honestly to what you have heard can develop a good foundation for communicating with each other in general that serves the couple well when issues arise.
And issues can easily arise around a myriad of things. It can start with wedding invitations and how widely one family wants to invite their friends versus how limited the other family wants to keep it. It can flare up about holiday gatherings, frequency of visits, proximity to one family compared to the other,
who to choose for baptismal sponsors, limiting the dollar amount to spend on Christmas gifts, how families celebrate birthdays, opinions about day-care options, family vacations, judgments about the integrity of another, and so much more. Typically, people can easily make a judgment, build a narrative around that opinion and then watch for every little thing that reinforces their narrative. This is all very human, but it is also very divisive.
I have often told couples in marriage preparation to anticipate the fact that they will have differences over various matters and approaches to many things in life. I have also told them to expect what they might experience as family “interference” in how they go about doing things in their marriage and family life. Then I insist: “Don’t let your families divide you!” You will naturally approach things the way you were raised, but if your spouse wants to do things differently, it is essential that you listen to each other and be honest about what you hear. The two have become one, period! So, unless your spouse is a manipulative, controlling and abusive person, the two must always strive for unity and not just to gain a hash mark in their own personal “win” column.
Sometimes it is beneficial for a third party to help couples navigate the themes and patterns that arise in dealing with in-laws or even those in your own family. Marriage counseling is not a dirty word. It doesn’t mean you are a failure. It simply acknowledges that things might be resolved in a healthier way with the help of someone who is outside the relationship. Whatever the issue might be, I have found that a seasoned Christian counselor to be of tremendous help to hurting marriages. Couples should ask themselves, “If this marriage was worth entering into, then isn’t it worth investing time and resources to finding healing and hope?
While couples have their difference over all kinds of things, coming from different religious backgrounds can tear deeply at the unity of marriage. Marriages of a Catholic with another non-Catholic go well when both parties to the marriage can share openly about what they believe and agree on the mutual right of parenthood to share what they believe with their children. The greater challenge often comes when the family of either party to the marriage (or both families) introduce expectations or try to control their children’s marriage in their religious practice. Of course, both sides mean well, but frankly, marriages of mixed religion need to navigate their difference without the added pressure of family involvement.
Marriages can become all the more strained when one party to the marriage does not want their children to visit their spouse’s family or permit their in-laws to have any contact with their grandchildren. Some of the greatest emotional pain I have seen in family life comes from the anguish grandparents experience from being cut off from the lives of their grandchildren. This is particularly raw for the spouse who is basically given the ultimatum to choose between their marriage and their own family. This is no choice. I recommend that this be resolved on the basis of what is reasonable. Reasonable people can accept reasonable solutions; unreasonable people cannot. It’s a basic kind of test of what is really at the heart of the matter. If what is reasonable cannot be accepted by one’s spouse or by someone else in the family, then the decision should be made against whoever is unreasonable. Otherwise, it will go unresolved.
For all the challenges that extended family members might create for a couple, it is also the case that in most families, the ones who “marry into” the family bring a wonderful dynamic in terms of their personality, gifts and talents, virtues, faith, and more. Over the years, I have watched families grow and children marry. I have been drawn into friendships with their spouses and share the joy of their lives together. Through it all, I have experienced the beauty of the sacrament of marriage as couples strive to love and honor each other all the days of their lives. It’s beautiful to watch in-laws on both sides come together through their children’s lives and mutually support and encourage their children and grandchildren. So much good comes to every marriage from each side of the equation, if people would look for the good and not focus solely on their differences.
My encouragement for everyone is to be of goodwill and look for the good in others. Differences (like family recipes, family traditions) can enrich our lives, or we can choose to let them divide us. Societal change is making things more challenging as the secular world is affecting our relationships. All the more, then, we need to remember the old adage that, “The family that prays together, stays together.”
