In the Catholic marriage rite, just before the bride and groom exchange their vows, they are asked to state (or affirm) their intentions. The third question is this: Are you willing to accept with love the children God may send you, and bring them up in accordance with the law of Christ and his Church? This may be a simple question, but it is charged with demanding consequences. To accept with love on their wedding day the children God may send a couple is endearing. But at some point, in the future when they may be dealing with other challenges in their lives…financially, physically, emotionally, etc., all at the same time, this lovely idea may be overwhelming. They may ask themselves whether they can really do this right now? In those moments, it may be a small yet important consolation to remember that on their wedding day, the grace of the sacrament of marriage extends throughout their lives, assisting them in the responsibilities of parenthood. No matter how formidable the challenges may be, Jesus says, “My grace is sufficient for you.” (2 Corinthians 12: 9)
For centuries, people held that children are a blessing. However, perhaps a majority of people in our culture today believe that children are a burden. Even in the Church, people look with judgment and disdain upon a family with 4 or more children. Fertility is a blessing, yet many Catholics buy into the cultural narrative that fertility as a curse and a problem to be controlled. Accepting with love the children God may send them might sound good on their wedding day, but soon a couple’s social circles and their other plans for life put children aside for another kind of lifestyle that doesn’t include the duties and responsibilities of parenthood. More than smartphones, this trend is what underlies the demise of society.
The other part of this third question ahead of their vows asks couples if they are “willing to bring them [children] up in accordance with the law of Christ and his Church?” Along with their physical needs (food, clothing and shelter) the Church underscores the importance of faith and faith formation for the children they accept from God. From the earliest moments of their lives, children are learning patterns from their parents, both those intended and those unintended. Infant baptism brings about an end to original sin and enables a child to be open to the life of faith and the faith formation that takes place both formally and informally. Faith formation, whether done at home or in a formal classroom setting, is the serious responsibility of every parent.
To that end, it is critically important that parents live what they try to teach their children. If children are taught to pray, but parents at some point stop praying with their children, this is a counter witness. If parents send their children to a Catholic school where they attend Mass during the week, but don’t take their children to Mass on Sunday, children quickly pick up on that pattern as well. If there is an incongruence between what parents say and what they do, children will notice it and remember the disconnect. This is the case with everything, not just religious practice, but it is crucial for the successful transmission of faith to the next generation.
Friends of mine have often said to me, “With little kids there are little problems, but with big kids there are big problems.” This is not surprising because our lives become more complex as we grow up and become more independent. I’ve often quipped that when parents get a phone call, they never know if the news is that their son or daughter earned a scholarship or if they have been arrested, or something in between. Certainly, it is a challenge when a baby just three weeks old is crying uncontrollably and cannot communicate to anxious parents what the problem is. It is another kind of challenge when a high school student is rebellious and wrecks three cars during their junior year. A parent’s first reaction might be to think “we didn’t sign up for this,” yet together, they can not only handle it but by God’s grace handle it well.
Most young parents recognize that even with their first child, they are forced to overcome their self-centeredness as their entire focus shifts to that of the wellbeing of their child. Parenting is a great sacrifice, but parents soon notice that it also helps them to grow up in the important ways they have yet to mature. Often the challenges can lead to disagreements between spouses as one may tend to approach things more strictly and the other more leniently. Children somehow naturally learn the “divide and conquer” method to getting what they want. It is never a good idea to argue with each other in front of your children. I recommend that couples have a plan for how to deal with various issues that may come up and follow through on the plan when the issue arises. Then, when the teenager has ruined their evening and is off somewhere else, they can regroup and more calmly work through their differences. Remember, your spouse is not the problem. If that’s your narrative, work together on that first.
At some point, children have to be formed to step out into the world and live life on their own in a responsible way. This may require parents to admit that they are still too possessive, too controlling and too needy when it comes to their children. In recent years, the term “helicopter parenting” has been coined. This refers to a growing pattern of parental “interference” that is being observed in the lives of children already in their high school years and beyond. College-age students may find it difficult to think on their own, but by that age it’s either sink or swim. Yet, increasingly, it seems that parents short-change the important “swimming lessons” children need in order to grow up and be independent.
For all the challenges of parenting, the rewards are even greater! I always say that successful parenting is not measured in terms of whether children make more money than their parents. Rather, I believe, successful parenting is realized when children grow up to be decent human beings and their lives inspire their parents. The greatest goal of parenting should be to help your children become saints! When kids know that their parents would rather have them become good, holy and virtuous men and women of faith and not simply rich, successful and influential, children tend to pursue excellence of mind, body and spirit because of the right ordering of things that comes from faith. Start from the beginning with strong faith formation for your children and trust that God will reward your efforts at parenting in beautiful and amazing ways!
