The concept of feeling like we “deserve” something or are “entitled” to some privilege is nothing new under the sun. The gospels have stories of such expectations. Recall the gospel of those hired at 9 in the morning, those hired at noon, others who were hired at 3 in the afternoon and some at 5pm, and how it came about that they all received the same wage. Then, those who were first hired assumed they would get more as they worked all day in the heat but were paid the same as those who only worked one hour. There is also the story of the Prodigal Son who received a celebration upon his return from a life of scandal and foolishness while the older son was seething with resentment because he never once disobeyed his father, yet he never received such lavish treatment for his faithfulness. We all have expectations in life. We grow up believing that we are entitled to certain privileges and deserve/earn certain favors.
Upon careful examination of our thoughts, feelings and desires, we might be surprised to discover that we carry a few expectations about things we think we deserve or to which we believe we are entitled. Such expectations can also creep into our spiritual lives – that God owes us certain things because we pray, or go to Church, or donate to charities or volunteer in the community. When these unspoken expectations about what we are entitled to receive are met with disappointment, they can easily fester into resentments.
When I was a “good boy” and worked hard on the farm, I thought it entitled me to the reward I desired, to take the car into town for the evening. When dad said no to my expectation, it didn’t mean that he was a mean guy or had a hardened heart. Years later I realized it was because he had the entirety of our family finances in mind. He also knew that self-denial was an important lesson in growing up and that I would have to realize that I would not get everything in life that I thought I deserved. With the spiritual formation I received in the seminary and through ongoing formation and prayer since then, I have discovered how tempting it is to believe life owes me things and actually how debilitating can be the attitude that I deserve things.
Expectations, entitlements and the attitude that we deserve to get “what we want in life” is a cultural expectation, but you won’t find that in the gospel. Rather, in Sunday’s gospel Jesus said, “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me….What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life…The Son of man will come…and then he will repay all according to his conduct.” Here we see the importance of faith – faith in divine justice. Without faith in God’s word, who would be willing to deny themselves, bear life’s hardship and follow the Lord though the daily challenges that are a normal part of life in this world?
Surprisingly, there are many graces in life that come through self-denial. Though we often cannot make it through 6 weeks of Lent with self-imposed penances, we ought to make our Lord’s words in this gospel a regular way of life. Short periods of self-denial are healthy for us who profess to be disciples of Jesus. The next time you think you deserve something or experience disappointment in not being recognized for something, ask yourself, “Why is this so important to me?” “Why do I think I am entitled to this or deserve it?” What would getting what I think I deserve do for me?” And perhaps most importantly, “How would life be any worse if I didn’t get or receive what I think I deserve or feel entitled to receiving?”
The fruit of the practice of these words of our Lord in Sunday’s gospel passage is that of Christian maturity. At the same time, I contend that the fruit of an entitlement mentality and a focus on what I think I deserve is a cultural adolescence. There are a thousand opportunities a day to deny ourselves to obtain the spiritual maturity we need. There are all types of dietary ways by which we might deny ourselves. These are the first things that come to mind. There are also times when we ought to hold our tongue and deny ourselves the pleasure of being uncharitable or revealing the faults of others. Perhaps the “last frontier” for self-denial is the realm of our thoughts. Consider how much pleasure one can take in reviewing old resentments and re-hashing old hurts vs. “bearing wrongs patiently.”
Ahead of going on vacation this past week, more than once I heard very kind and supportive people say to me, “Enjoy your vacation, you deserve it.” That didn’t upset me, but I’m not sure there was any “deserve” involved. From my perspective, I “needed” the break, and yet, if my plans for time away had to be completed scrapped, I would probably still be struggling a bit with the notion that I didn’t get that to which I was entitled. When such discoveries happen, rather than beating ourselves up for being human, it becomes an opportunity to renew the practice of self-denial and cross-bearing. Just lean into the gospel and let the Lord dissolve the hurt feelings and disappointment that are a part of being human.
Each of us has expectations based on our state in life and the activities arising from our own careers. It’s good spiritual work to monitor our attitudes of entitlement in this life. A good place to start is with some disappointment or resentment. The more we discover about our thoughts, feelings and desires, the more we will know how Jesus’s call to self-denial might help remedy these attitudes of entitlement. And the more we grow spiritually mature, the more we can be a counter-witness to the cultural adolescence that afflicts the culture of our time.
